If you’ve recently lost a loved one, there’s a good chance you aren’t the only one who’s grieving. If you have a child, now more than ever, they need your support at this time. It’s natural to struggle when coping with your emotions as grief and the sudden loss of someone you love can make you feel distressed, shaken and preoccupied. You may seek isolation and distance yourself from others. Your child feels it, too. And it’s important that you show them how to cope during this difficult time and provide them the support they need as they explore the stages of grief.
Keep in mind, depending on the age and the maturity level of a child, their reaction to the death of a loved one varies. For you to have a clearer picture of how children feel and react to the loss of someone who’s been a significant part of their life, we’ve provided an overview based on their age. (Found via https://www.sunsetfuneralhome.com/talking-to-children)
INFANTS AND TODDLERS
Do not underestimate the ability of infants and toddlers to feel a loss. Although they might still not have the ability to understand what’s going on, they can comprehend loss through the absence of someone they’ve gotten used to spending intimate times with, through an interruption to their usual routine, and through the stress and grief they sense from their parents and the people around them. To help a child at this age cope with this situation, double your efforts in cuddling and holding them — this helps give a feeling of security and love despite the absence of someone.
Children at this age might have difficulties differentiating reality from fantasy, and even more so, the permanence of death. You might feel that using euphemisms to explain the situation to your child may be helpful, but that is not the case. Using terms such as “gone away,” “sleeping,” or “lost” might confuse your young child and could give them fears or negative thoughts. For example, if a young child is told that a deceased loved one has “gone away,” it might make him/her feel abandoned or rejected. A young child might also think that it’s probably his/her fault. If you tell them that the person in the casket is only “sleeping,” they might have fears about not waking up again when they sleep at night. When talking to your child about the death of a loved one, it is best to be honest and use simple and direct words that they can understand.
At this stage, children are more likely to understand abstract concepts such as death. They are also at a point when they have more knowledge about how the body works, so be prepared with specific questions they might have. It is very important that your answers are always factual and specific. They might also be more vulnerable and insecure at this time because, aside from the death of a loved one, they are also going through a lot of changes — so give them sufficient opportunities to have conversations with you so they can express their feelings of pain and grief.
Because of their growing independence, teenagers usually feel the need to keep their feelings of grief to themselves to show the people around them that they’re grown up and can control how they feel. But because this is most often not the case, they are more likely to engage in high-risk behavior because they are unable to properly express their feelings, especially after the death of a loved one. Although they might feel more comfortable talking to their peers and friends, do not feel disappointed. If anything, this will help them open up their feelings and will make way for healing. This doesn’t mean that you no longer talk to them. Create opportunities where you can talk about the loss, listen to their concerns, empathize with them, and assure them that you are there to help them cope.
While you might feel it will be helpful to hide your grief to protect your child, a lot of people have found that being honest about their sorrow is better. It helps their children see that grieving is natural, normal, and healing. Being able to talk about the deceased person, especially the positive qualities of the person, may make way for faster healing.
Are you looking for grief support? Highmark Caring Place and Camp Koala both offer virtual and in-person children and young adult grief support groups.
If you are looking for a grief support group specific to young adults, Highmark Caring Place hosts virtual sessions via Zoom throughout the year. These sessions are free and for those 18-30 years old. For additional information or to register, email Davina.firstname.lastname@example.org or call 866-212-4673.
Camp Koala provides grieving children & teens with the tools and resources to help them manage their grief in a healthy way, and to offer companionship in a supportive environment. So far in 2022, they've run 5 groups and hope to start more school groups this year. Their new teen group is currently running as the need to help has increased by 30% due to COVID.
We understand that children grieve differently from adults, and that grieving has no set time frame. A common misconception is that bereavement camps are full of tears and sadness. Not true! Camp Koala is full of fun, good times, and friendship! And best of all, Camp Koala is provided free of charge to all camper families. To learn more click here: http://www.campkoala.org